Pathways to Healing
It is common for survivors of sexual violence to experience feelings of self-blame. These thoughts are not a reflection of the truth, but often the result of societal conditioning and harmful misconceptions that wrongly place responsibility on survivors instead of where it belongs — with the person who caused the harm.
Please know: what happened is not your fault. You are not to blame - ever. The responsibility lies solely with the perpetrator.
By gently observing these thoughts and questioning where they come from, it becomes possible to loosen their hold, release misplaced blame, and open the door to self-compassion, care and healing.
Break Free from Self-Blame
“I should have known better.”
No. You did nothing wrong. You could not have known or prevented this. What happened was not your fault. Someone else chose to cause you harm.
“Maybe I did something to provoke them.”
Nothing you do or say provokes assault. The only person responsible is the one who committed the crime. Your actions, clothing, or words did not cause it.
“I should not have been in that situation.”
You have the right to be anywhere, anytime, without fear of assault. The perpetrator intentionally created an unsafe situation. Where you were is irrelevant.
“If I had been more careful, this wouldn’t have happened.”
You cannot control someone else's choice to cause harm. Being more careful does not stop violence. Blaming yourself only shifts responsibility away from the perpetrator.
“I must have done something wrong.”
No, you did nothing wrong. Assault is never the survivor’s fault. Always remember this.
“I should have fought harder.”
Everyone reacts differently to trauma. Freezing, submitting, or complying are normal survival responses. There is no “right” way to react, and you are not to blame for how your body responded.
I’m not sure if I made it clear that I didn’t want it.”
Consent must be clear and enthusiastic. Silence, uncertainty, or lack of resistance is not consent. The perpetrator is responsible for ensuring consent, always.
“Maybe I didn’t say no firmly enough.”
Saying “no” is enough. You do not have to shout, fight, or explain yourself. Respecting boundaries is the other person's responsibility.
“Maybe I was drunk.”
Being intoxicated does not reduce your right to safety or make assault your fault. It makes the crime even more serious. The perpetrator is fully responsible, regardless of your state of mind.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have worn revealing clothes.”
Clothing never causes rape or assault. Your clothing is not the reason this happened. The only cause is the perpetrator’s decision to commit the crime.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have gone out partying.”
Going out is not an invitation for assault. You have the right to socialize and enjoy yourself without fear. The blame lies only with the perpetrator.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have gone out late alone.”
No one deserves harm. The time, place, or being alone did ot cause this. Blaming survivors shifts attention away from the real issue: the perpetrator’s choice to commit a crime.
It is vital to challenge self-blame and replace it with the truth: You are not at fault. The responsibility lies only with the perpetrator. Speaking with a trauma-informed counselor or therapist can help you process these emotions, support your healing, and reclaim your sense of self. Here are a few steps you can follow:
Notice when a blaming thought appears — e.g., “It was my fault.”
Acknowledge it: Pause and take a breath. “This is a trauma response.”
Replace it with truth: “The responsibility lies with the perpetrator.”
Speak to yourself as you would to a loved one — with kindness, not judgment.
Express your feelings — write them in a journal or share with a trusted person or a therapist. Hearing your own words can reveal how unfairly you’ve treated yourself.
Affirmations - Healing Starts with Speaking Kindly to Yourself
Here are a few simple affirmations to help ground you and comfort you.
“I am a survivor.”
It takes incredible strength and resilience to endure what you’ve been through.
“I am not to blame.”
This is a truth worth repeating again and again.
“My feelings are valid.”
Whether you feel anger, sadness, confusion, or even numbness, all of it is a natural response to trauma.
“I am worthy of healing.”
You deserve peace, safety, and well-being.
“I am strong.”
Surviving something so difficult is itself proof of your strength.
“I am not alone.”
Many others have walked this path, and support is out there for you too.
“I will get through this.”
Healing takes time, but you are moving forward, step by step.
“I am in control of my recovery.”
You decide what feels right, and you set the pace.
Healing does not rely on Forgiveness
Survivors encounter pressure — from others or even from within — to "forgive and move on." But healing and forgiveness are not the same. You have the right to heal on your own terms, without meeting anyone’s expectations for forgiveness. This pressure can actually deepen pain and delay true healing. Research warns that this pressure can re-traumatize survivors, undermine justice and boundaries, and delay authentic healing.
Healing and forgiveness are separate—your healing belongs to you alone. Healing is about reclaiming your safety, self-worth, and emotional balance after harm. For survivors of deep trauma—like assault, abuse, or betrayal—the path to healing can begin with:
- Acknowledging what happened
- Letting go of self-blame and guilt
- Restoring your boundaries and sense of agency
- Reconnecting with supportive people and sources of meaning
Just as no one has the right to your body without consent, no one has the right to your forgiveness. Forgiveness, if it happens, must come from your own readiness — not pressure, guilt, or social expectation.
Forgiveness may never feel right, and that’s completely okay. You are allowed to find peace, strength, and hope without forgiving the person who hurt you. If forgiveness happens, let it be for your own healing and only in your own time—never because someone else expects it. When forgiveness is freely chosen, it can bring:
- Less anger and rumination
- Improved emotional balance
- Greater peace or closure
Forgiveness, if it comes, is an act of self-liberation—not reconciliation or approval of harm. Your healing is valid, with or without forgiveness.
There are many paths to healing and peace that do not require forgiveness, such as:
- Self-compassion
- Acceptance (acknowledging reality without condoning it)
- Self-forgiveness (releasing self-blame)
- Empowerment and advocacy
- Finding meaning through therapy or creative expression
- Pursuing justice or accountability
- Rebuilding trust and safety
- Creating boundaries that protect your peace
- Engaging in collective healing or advocacy
There is no single roadmap to healing. Whether or not forgiveness is part of your journey, your feelings are valid, and your recovery is yours to define. What matters most is your peace, your safety, and your sense of self — restored at your own pace, in your own way.
References:
- Judith Herman (1992, “Trauma and Recovery”) defines healing as rebuilding safety, remembrance, and reconnection — without mentioning forgiveness as a step.
- Enright & Fitzgibbons (2015) note that forgiveness can support recovery, but only when it’s freely chosen, not imposed.
- McCullough, Pargament, & Thoresen (2000) describe forgiveness as “one potential but not necessary route” toward emotional well-being.
- Freedman & Enright (1996, JCCP) found that forgiveness therapy reduced anger and depression only when survivors felt ready, not when pushed to forgive
-Toussaint & Worthington (2020, American Psychologist) found that voluntary forgiveness can promote well-being, but coercive forgiveness undermines recovery.
- Walker & Gorsuch (2002) found that forced forgiveness often increases resentment and emotional distress.
Pathways to Healing
You are not your trauma. It is part of your story, but it does not define who you are.
You are valuable, loved, and deserving of respect.
Care for yourself
Rest, nourish your body, and do things that bring you comfort. Find words and routines that soothe you - even small acts of care can make a big difference.
Reach out for support
You don't have to carry this alone. Reach out to trusted friends, family, a therapist, or a support group when you need to..
Be patient with yourself
Healing isn’t linear - there will be good days and difficult ones. Take your time and celebrate every small step forward.
Set boundaries
It’s okay to say no to what feels overwhelming, unpleasant, triggering, or unsafe. If you feel stuck or burdened, a trauma-informed therapist or counselor can offer you a safe space to process your emotions and support you with coping tools that work for you.